On June 12, 2016, after awaking to the horror of the Pulse Nightclub shooting, I came out officially, and publicly, for the first time as bisexual via a post on a previous blog. It was something that my close friends, family, and partners, had known for almost two decades, but I had never came right out and said it to the world. I never felt like I needed to. But after the tragedy in Orlando, I knew I needed to speak my truth, to honour those 49 humans.
After living for that long with the bi label, however, it did eventually feel like it no longer fit quite right. It was around 2019, I believe, that I just started using the term queer instead. I then convinced myself that because queer was all encompassing, I didn’t have to delve any deeper into the confusing feelings I was navigating. That I could stop questioning everything and just be queer, and any labels more specific than that weren't really necessary (and if this is how you feel, that’s totally valid).
Not too much later, however, it began to feel like I still wasn’t acknowledging a major part of myself; an important part of my identity. So, on National Coming Out Day–October 11, 2023, I came out again, this time as genderfluid. After decades of questioning and exploring my gender identity (and constantly sweeping it under the rug), I requested people use she/they pronouns for me. In my social media post, I further shared that while genderfluid is under the transgender umbrella, I didn’t really identify with that term at that time. Of course, I also quipped about never thinking I would have to come out for a second time in my life, too.
Well, the jokes on me. I’m back in this situation again (third time's a charm?), and it honestly could have been avoided if I had been honest with myself, and everyone else, the second time around (or any time there were signs since I was a literal child). I recently posted about feeling a certain way because no one has been using they/them pronouns for me, everyone just defaults to she/her. I get it, it’s what I’d gone by for over 36 years, and it is just "easier". Not to mention, I have presented femininely the majority of my life. Though, if I had been acting as my authentic self, that may not have been the case. I have often found myself over-correcting for my feelings, and presenting as hyper-feminine, to fit in with social norms. Of course, there have been times when I've thrown that out the window, and I have the photo evidence to prove it.
Unfortunately, my gender dysphoria has been getting progressively worse, and I think my pronouns and identity not feeling validated is contributing, along with a number of other factors. I recently updated my pronouns on all my social media to they/she instead, but didn’t feel like making a big deal about it–especially since I knew it was probably a stepping stone, to what this blog post is eventually leading to. I’ve also started edging towards presenting more masculine some days, including wearing gender-affirming clothing, to try to curb some of my dysphoria. Today, I went thrifting for "men's" jeans, and it felt great!
So, here we are; I'm back again. I’m still identifying as queer (pansexual is probably the most accurate now, if you want a specific label) and genderfluid/non-binary, but trans is starting to feel like it fits these days too. It’s going to take a lot of work with my incredible therapist to tease out the intricacies of my identity before I feel like I’ve really figured it out. But in actuality, I won't ever have it all figured out. Gender is so fluid, and just like so many other things in life, it will ebb and flow over time.
I guess all this is to say, we're coming up on a new year, and I don't think I want to go through another one feeling this way. I will be dropping the she/her from my accepted pronouns, and using only they/them. I am well aware that because I am fluid and sometimes present femininely, I will be misgendered, constantly, but that's another discussion for my therapist. Haha.
I'm sure some of you may have questions, and I'm happy to answer them as long as they are respectful. They/them pronouns are perfectly normal to me, because I have been existing in queer spaces for decades, but I understand that so much of my life is completely foreign to many people. I also know that because of the fluidity of my identity, many of my experiences and preferences are entirely different from others in the community. For example, despite dysphoria surrounding words like "woman", I am currently still going by "mum" to the kids, and still comfortable being an "auntie", "sister", and "daughter", though that will probably change over time too.
Please don't be afraid to make mistakes with me, I will correct you and we can move on. I know after decades of referring to me by she/her, that people are bound to slip up. The binary genders and binary pronouns are ingrained in us from the beginning, and it's a process to unlearn them, let alone to ignore our implicit biases when we see someone who presents overtly feminine or masculine. Even I still occasionally make mistakes when I refer to non-binary and trans folx.
I am so grateful for everyone who has been supportive of my queer self from day one–starting with my lovely mum when I came out to her as bisexual 24 years ago, and all she wanted to know is if she would still get grandbabies. If only she could see them now! I do wonder what she would think of all these changes since she's been gone, but I like to think she'd be proud of my authenticity (although she would hate me sharing my private business all over the internet, lol). This is how I've always explored and shared my life though, and while I have become more cautious as I age, I still do not censor myself, especially when it's in the name of activism or education. If you’d like more information about anything I’ve talked about, I can recommend some really great books and resources. Love you all. 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
This is my life lately...
Relly
Comentários